Worried Sick..?

Yesterday morning I awoke to a sunshine not seen in a month and spring birds singing their hearts out in welcome to said sun.  My disease wasn’t really rearing its ugly morning head and really, I was fit enough to hop out of bed.  Except for the incredible grey weight on my heart that caused me to hate the sun and every chirp of the spring birds felt like a scalding nail through my forehead I was in fine fettle.

This was new.  As far a cancer was concerned it was a good day.  I felt well except for my soul and mind.  Two things I take better care of than my body.  Finally I got out of bed and sat down in the house office and went to work. 

 Every minute the grey cloud forming increased and oppressed me leaving me feeling like I never have before.  I actually closed the shades so I didn’t have to look out the window into the sun washed front yard.  I had no clue what was happening to me.

I recognized that I was perhaps depressed.  The day before there had been some major disappointments, along with the normal worry, stress, every day, work, cancer and life.  I've dealt with those things everyday [sans disappointments] why was today any different?    

Perhaps because it was Spring, and, as a friend of mine mentioned today the world goes on without a care.  I don’t know I’ve never been attacked by my mind.

As the day progressed I started to become physically ill.  Ill not involved with my cancer but a product of my “grey”  mind until reaching the apex of the day where humiliating embarrassment could be the result of straying more than ten feet from the bathroom. 

I have to think about the why some more.  I don’t know what yesterday was but here’s what I do know.  There is a reason why there are phrases in the English language like “worried sick”, “sick with grief” etc.  The mind, our minds if we let them, can make us physically sick just like I let mine do yesterday and I’m going to work, no matter how worried, disappointed and ill tol never let “yesterday” happen again. 

If I’m wrong then I’m none the worse for wear.

Provenge tomorrow.