Soap Box 1 "The Hopefully Slender Finger"

Something was said to me the other day that was so stupendously ignorant I was left  with my jaw agape.  Stupid you can’t do anything about but you can fix ignorance with information.  It dawned on me; it is possible there are other men out there that are also misinformed.  That thought, coupled with the fact I’ve never quite described how I got here prompts me to climb up on my soap box. 

Medicine says that every man that lives long enough will end up with some level of prostate cancer.  Most men with prostate cancer die of something else.  Something else basically called old age.  Rarely does prostate cancer sneak in on a man fifty or younger [I’m one on the very edge of the bell curve].  Though, if there is a history of prostate cancer in your family then testing is recommended before you turn fifty.  My son will need to start being tested well, well, before he is fifty. 

Wait.  Wait.  Don’t breathe that sigh of relief just yet.  Prostate cancer is the number two killer of men in this country.  Look it up.

I was diagnosed with prostate cancer August 4^th 2009.  The mounting pain in my back was treated by specialists and acupuncture for a year prior to diagnosis as a back injury.  I was tested, treated with steroids, steroid injections on and on.  “They” couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me and at one point my original Dr. apologized because she wanted to cover all the bases so she had to let her finger get up close and personal with my prostate.  Only one way to do that. I can hear all you guys cringing.  I say this to you guys…thirty seconds of uncomfortable beats the crap out of the serious, serious, uncomfortable.

One day getting up from my desk at work the pain literally made me whimper, moan and pretty sure I screamed and prompted me to make yet another appointment.  Thankfully a bizarre thing happened my doctor was “no longer with the clinic.”  I didn’t really think about that statement at the time and painfully said “give me whoever you have”.Whoever they had saved my life.

Well he certainly prolonged my life to be sure.  I went in to see the new guy late that morning.  Doc ordered up xrays and blood test which included PSA.  Even to my eyes the Xray was a nada.  Off my wife and I went for the 30 minute drive back to the house.  Phone rings about the time we get to the house and it’s the Doc’s nurse asking if I can come back in that afternoon.  Crap that’s not good is it guys? 

I remember the precise time because I was looking at his computer screen and could see his watch at the same time while he said “right here is your PSA and it is an indicator that you might possibly have prostate cancer.  Normal is 1 to 5.  You can see yours is 2640. [yep two thousand six hundred and forty]  I remember feeling sorry for the now my Doc having to give that information.

That is how it started.  Yep I know you guys are grinning and thinking this will never happen to you.  I didn’t even know it could happen to me.  I had had a Dr. check me digitally and no that doesn’t mean with a camera.  Your fingers and toes are considered digits fortunately she used a finger.  A toe would be a bit odd.   I assumed, my bad never assume in your medical world, a PSA had been run but truth be told…blindsided completely blindsided.  Add to all that…I wasn’t old enough I had just turned fifty one by a few days.

So what have we learned so far?  PSA is a simple blood test.  You don't like needles buck up and take someone with you to hold your hand.  A simple blood test covered by most insurance I’m guessing.  Digital Exam is that uncomfortable feeling of having a hopefully slender finger stuck up your only orifice close to your prostate.  By the way, how long does that take?  How long are you uncomfortable?  Well if you have a normal Doc 60 seconds.  If it takes longer than that, get a new Doc.

Could be worse guys, I know when a women does her yearly visit to her gynecologist, she’s uncomfortable for way more than sixty seconds [Wait.  Dumb ass you didn't know that?]  Guys, trust me, your wife or girl friend are in [no pun] with their OBGYN for a lot longer than the “finger” is in you.

Knowing that we men have short attention spans I will split this post.  Tomorrow I will describe in bloody detail the alternative to not cowboying up for your annual physical and PSA.  

 Put those elbows on the exam table, and suffer the “finger.”  The alternative to that 60 seconds and a simple blood test suck and in my case the alternative for humiliation  involved a smoking hot Norwegian blonde and blood.  Christ, talk about humiliation. 

Next post “At the Urologist With Dr. Doom and Anya The Smokin’ Hot Skanda”.

Talk to you later