Is It Okay To Be Bitter?

I wrote the following on the train one recent morning fully expecting the words to end up locked away in my personal journal.  The words are short and my anger and bitterness bleeds through the letters thus my logic to lock them safely out of sight in my personal journal.  I thought that that anger and bitterness made me weak and whiny.

I don’t like to sound bitter and angry.  No one does.  But it dawned on me that everyone with cancer must feel that cold grey blanket of bitterness trying to chill the righteous heat of anger.  I’m willing to bet that anyone who isn’t a saint, and I don’t know any saints so maybe they aren’t exempt either, feels bitter anger when something terribly terrible happens to them. 

My non-professional opinion is that wearing the cold bitter blanket is healthy… occasionally.  Not only occasionally healthy but a natural reaction to some cataclysmic event that turns your life upside down. So I thought I'd share what my blanket looked like while riding the Green early that morning...  

In the morning, when it is still dark and I'm on the green train which is normally empty except for the homeless that seem to live on the train I sometimes feel so alone.  Alone except for the guy that sits next to me.  Sits next to me even though I give that rider dirty looks.  I hate him, but no matter where I sit on the train this passenger always sits next to me taking great happiness in the fact he has totally f----d my life and those who love me.  Alone I ride with the bastard.  Even as I'm informed in English and of course Spanish that the doors are closing my rider won't leave.  Lonely, even though I have this companion that rides with me daily.  As the wheels scream down the track in a banshee wail I can't seem to rid myself of this guy who insists on riding with me.  He told me his name...cancer.  So I stare out the rain darkened window.  Stare at my reflection.  Alone, but for my invisible passenger.

When you find yourself wrapping up in that bitter blanket don’t stay.  But also when you put that blanket aside don’t feel like you’ve done something wrong. I'm guessing you already feel undeservedly guilty.

Talk to you later