I personally believe one of the greatest medical devices ever invented is the catheter. It is the true lazy man’s let’s watch the Final Four device. Oh certainly the very thought of the insertion process, at least to a man, makes the hardiest men of men cringe in cross legged horror. That is precisely why the insertion process is done while one is in a healthy completely totally unaware professionally administrated coma.
The first thing one does upon waking from said coma is drink water. Lots and lots of water, Amazon River scale of water (well in my case I also ate about three meals in ten minutes) after of which in the end that water logically has to go somewhere.
Enter the catheter, literally and figuratively. Admittedly, not paying attention to how one painfully fidgets roles or adjusts can cause a distinctive unpleasantness in the nether regions.
Even considering the above, the benefits of the catheter are amazing. All a guy has to do is lay there in a Morphine Haze acting like, in my case, he can keep track of the Butler W.S.U. score because the NCAA tourney is on afternoon television.
Looking back I might have been a bit confused as I don’t believe W.S.U. was in the 2011 tourney. I’m peeing and the gown stays dry.
The bedding stays dry.
I DON’T even have to move.
I don’t have to cause my body pain by trying to get my non-functioning prostate into the bathroom only to find out I didn’t really have to go and all my lower vertebrae scream and scream in pain. Oh wait that would be me screaming.
Nurse comes in, measures the jug which seems to be a gallon full of liquid the color of apple juice. I look at the quantity in disbelief, vaguely remembering I did drink the Amazon.
Apparently that river is dry and I’ve started on the Nile as the nurse has shown up three times in the last fifteen minutes to empty the jug. Truly amazing. Don’t have to think about peeing, don’t feel myself pee and gratefully don’t have to MOVE.
I find myself, the next afternoon, faced with “Rookie Nurse” and “Teacher Nurse” [aside….Teacher Nurse was the only nurse that visibly didn’t like me]. They are doing their nurse thing and of a sudden Teacher Nurse says to Rookie “did they teach you how to take out a catheter?”
WOW…they aren’t taking out my catheter. NO WAY. That means I would have to get out of bed to might pee. That means my lack of a prostate would cause me great great pain attempting the trying process of getting out of bed let alone walking. So…at this point is where I’m told I had my only hissy fit during my stay post surgery.
I started with “I’m not ready to get out of bed.”
Next was “I have prostate cancer and have to get up all the time even though I just feel like I have to pee.”
Nurse teacher was very uncaring and rookie was vibrating with anticipation that she got to pull a catheter out from a real live patient.
I finally said “this just isn’t going to happen.”
Nurse teacher is adamant and says “You men have an advantage” while holding up this jug that actually made sense when considering a penis, but not mine.
The manly appendage normally dangles. Mine used to but with my hormone treatment it is shorter than one that’s been swimming in a 32° river. Add, just recently out and about from major surgery tripled with massive quantities of pain meds…A new born’s button is porno grade compared to mine.
I actually used the above argument. I had no shame. I didn’t want to get out of bed let alone move. I told both females, Nurse Teacher and Nurse Rookie, that my “penis” was too small to use that jug.
Yes. Yes. Alas, I stooped that low.
Ultimately Rookie Nurse won. She pulled the device out famously, I guess. I have nothing to judge it by as having never had that procedure happen to me before. Hell I’d never spent a night in a hospital before this.
In the end…it was good. I did need to get up and moving.
No comments:
Post a Comment