If you are reading this, new to disease, or if a loved one of yours has this cowardly disease what the both of you are thinking is true.
As a person with Cancer I'm overwhelmed with guilt. Guilt for a myriad of perceived and actual reasons. One of the major reasons....I'm always tired. I want to do things but I don't. I go to work and can barely keep my eyes open sometimes.
I come back to my house and family and can't remember things or sometimes even have a remotely intelligent conversation let alone remembering a conversation from days ago.
These lapses aren't wholly the result of my meds or lack of sleep. I think they are a result of being overwhelmed. Between home, pharma, appointments, bills, work, fear for myself and what I leave to my loved ones and, well, not feeling right... my brain turns off.
I used to be an amazing multi-tasker. Bring it on and I'd get it done all the while in a very very intense deadline driven industry. Since becoming ill I've not only had to teach myself a different way to work but also become comfortable with the fact I still deliver excellent product just not quite as fast. Guilt.
Just one example how your life with disease will change. When I say "your" I mean both of us. You that share life with an illness and you that has that illness. Spouses, friends employers, partners....we all need patience. Guilt
Those of us that are ill need to remember those that have been a part of our life still are and are desperately trying to figure out some way to help in a sometimes helpless situation. Those who are in the support circle of life need to remember that those of us whom are ill still have the knack, still love you, still respect you and still are competent [perhaps just not as fast] but can become ugly very quickly....it's not your fault. Guilt.
I'm blessed that I have a wife that loves me and holds my hand. I'm doubly blessed that I have family and best friends that support me in this fight. I'm triply blessed that I have an employer that supports me. I can not imagine having neither of those.
I'll talk to all of you tomorrow
Guilt is described as "a feeling of having done wrong or failing in an obligation". In the case of your cancer you are innocent on both counts, and as such, free of guilt.
ReplyDeleteRest easy my friend, your family needs you whole, not guilty.
I married my 2nd husband August of 2002. In May of 2004 I gave his father permission to die as I laied next to him pondering what to say as he was breathing swiftly and very deep!
ReplyDeleteMy arms around him and stroking his forhead, these were my words....
"Hello dad, it's me, Julie. today is Friday it's about 9 in the morning, and It's a beautiful day! The clouds are rolling away, the sun is up and the birds are singing like mad. It's a great day to take a nice long nap, you..... go ahead and sleep, I'll take care of Gladys (his wife, my mother-in-law) I promise it will be ok!"
I'll be damed if he didn't for one last second, open his eyes have a caugh and blurp up something from deep inside and off to sleep "for ever" Guilt? I gave him permission to leave this world. He had been suffering from an in-operable brain tumor and I sent him on his next journey, but I sent him off with a beautiful picture and yes, the birds kept singing. I will never forget that day..... and I have kept my promise even though there were days I didn't want to!
Your cancer is not your fault. Please don't feel guilty your outlook and your comments are results of your cancer or a reaction to what you are going threw. The people you surround yourself with understand that, I promise!
You are a very lucky man, Sir Mike to have your self surrounded by friends and family and to have a wife who still holds your hand . . . . . God Bless!